Sometimes, I wish I worked at a bank.
Well, 2026 is barely in its swaddling clothes and already we have what might be the dumbest online controversy of the year, and maybe the entire decade. Yes, somehow, it even overshadowed the Lindsey Ellis-Raya the Last Dragon controversy. Today, we are talking about the controversy over Chicago-based journalist Parker Molloy and her response to Concord, NH-based UsernameCipher’s mod for Animal Crossing.
A DISCLAIMER
This will not be a full retrospective on the entire drama, minute by minute, mainly because I wasn’t there and furthermore, I don’t really give a shit. It’s 2:30 am as I am writing this, and I made the mistake of scrolling BlueSky rather than read my Thomas Pynchon novel that I’ve been working on, and frankly, I want other people to suffer with me in the consequences of my actions. That being said, I will not name any other people in this article.
Also, if you dare so much as try to track down any of the harassers, then you shall never see the light of heaven, will never, ever be allowed to read or watch any of my stuff again, and will only know shame as you descend into the level of the absolute buffoonery on display these last few days on the internet for everybody with a 56k speed dial-up modem or better.
SEND IN THE CLOWNS
On January 4, 2026, Parker Molloy innocently posted a video of a tweet by UsernameCipher, showing their mod for Animal Crossing: New Horizons, with the caption, “Why though?”. This was done as a joke, as Parker Molloy is trans, and is, from what I’ve been able to gather on the amount of research that I have been bothered to do, openly sex-positive. Of course, many people, myself included, got the joke, and responded with what I would call the standard Colin Mochrie response: “Why not?”. She is a hard working dog woman who is not real, why shouldn’t she have 128-bit tiddies? She, obviously, played along, like a good little inside joke. An inside joke that some asshole unfortunately passed along to Andy bleeding Dick, it seems.
By the next day, Cipher had many of their comments swamped with puriteens screaming about porn addiction, sexualizaton of cartoon characters made for children, and the general “think of the children” nonsense that many people infected with puriteen brain worms bitch on about. Meanwhile, on BlueSky, many people, most of whom weren’t furries, got offended. Stating that jokingly asking why to an obviously weird mod is somehow the equivalent of Nazis putting queer people to the gas chambers, and from what I’ve gathered, that isn’t much of an exaggeration. While I do get the argument about hating furries being the equivalent to queerphobia, because a lot of furries are queer as heck, it should probably be seen as a mask for queerphobia. Just like how drag bans were masks for trying to ban trans people from existing in real life. But, lots of furries are very well grounded. They know how weird they are and they love to make fun of themselves because of it (how do you think “*no subject* hewwo do u rp?” got started as a standard furry punchline?). I should know, I’m one of them!
Seriously, do you think that me, a person who has a deep longing, a yearning, if you will, to not only be a bird, but to have a bird body that happens to me by fursona, with boobs and hair and teeth and a suspiciously large collection of spacesuits, think that’s just a normal thing for most humans to even entertain the notion about? No, of course not! The only idiots who think that their mindset is the default one are the christian nationalists, and even they can’t agree on what denomination of theirs is superior! (Note: it’s the Shakers. It’s always the shakers.)
While yes, we have been, and sometimes continue to be the butt of jokes, mainly from idiots who never leave their basements, we tend to take it on the chin and embrace that weirdness. Hell, Macro Falco is legendary in internet circles now with his antics, especially as the dude remains anonymous because of the fact that he has a pretty well paying job in the medical field (NOT a heart surgeon, as some people have claimed, however) which is an unimaginable luxury in this world of data leaks, targeted advertisements and increasing internet surveillance. Many of those who were defending us tend to not really understand that, and were likely just defending us just to they can make themselves feel better than some stranger on the internet that they will likely never meet, probably because their stench would kill anybody within a 20 mile radius of them like the monster in Monster-a-Go-Go before it disappears and the narrator becomes a Jonathan Frakes meme.
I know there are some furries who are weary about the post, probably because of their personal experiences, and I don’t want to invalidate their opinions at all. For the rest of us, we tend to take “furry hate” with a hearty chuckle and a knowledge that most internet idiots saying that likely live in their parents basement, and save our guns towards idiot politicians, like Tim Burchett. (Not saying he has said anything publically about furries yet, I just personally hate the guy, especially considering he represents my area in congress, thanks to low voter turnout. TN-2 needs to do better, and I will make sure of that, but that’s for a different post.)
But, of course, some of the idiots of BlueSky have blamed furries for Parker Molloy deactivating her account on BlueSky, when in reality it was the “Can’t take a joke” brigade, seen many times on the Louvre of BlueSky (who seems to be taking a leave of absence of this whole mess, which I don’t blame them, personally). Parker has said many a times that she has no problem with Furries and weird people in general, just idiots who accuse her of being a Nazi…despite being trans. I do feel like many people are also taking the post way, WAY too deep. Calling it a “feminist critique” of how women are sexualized in video games, and that it was similar to GamerGate chuds who complain about any non-hot woman in a video game, completely ignoring the fact that Isabelle will always be associated with the queers for the mere fact that she is a cartoon animal and the cartoon animal fandom has a lot of queer people, especially since the post was made as a joke.
Before I conclude this angry rant that I am not even gonna bother to edit, I am not going to speculate on the identity of UsernameCipher. I am only using They/Them pronouns for Cipher because I don’t have any other reference for their identity. I refuse to speculate on the identity of other people, because I feel it’s kind of the equivalent to all the crazy “transvestigators” out there who think everybody famous, from Michelle Obama to Kyle Rittenhouse (yes, even him), are all secretly trans, and probably own a pair of Zygomatic Arch calipers handed down from their family who moved from Germany to Argentina in the late 1940s.
If you are reading this, Cipher, and you want to contact me for corrections on your pronouns, then please get in contact with me via my email: imrustyokay@yahoo.com.
IT’S A GIFT TO BE SIMPLE, IT’S A GIFT TO BE FREE
First off, I want to say that I am so sorry for what happened, Parker and Cipher. This must have been a very stressful few days for both of you, and I hope you were able to rest and recuperate.
Secondly, what have we learned from this ordeal? Well, sometimes a joke is just a joke, nothing deeper than that. Seeing a dumb take by someone else isn’t an open invitation to harass them. Re-posting screenshots of bad takes from Twitter is not a good way to use BlueSky. And lastly, while I know that this is gonna piss off a lot of the “internet freedom fighters” who still think saving Section 230 and coming up with nothing else is a good idea, but all of my cares have clearly left the building the moment I opened up LibreOffice to write this, so I’m gonna say it: Social Media timers should actually be mandatory for everybody in the world. Maybe we can reduce the effect that hypertension has on the world, at least a little bit.
Now get the fuck out of my sight.
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