The Bible is violent. It’s one of those things that you hear about growing up in the Bible Belt of the United States. You always heard it be called things like “The Good Book” or “The Holy Scriptures” or something to that effect. It’s one of those things always referred to, through random passages in billboards, through the VeggieTales clips you occasionally saw at church when you were a kid, through depictions of David and Goliath, Noah Ark and, surprisingly in my area at least, the Lepers. For a lot of people, it’s the be-all and end-all for their personal mortality. Sadly, those same people think it should also be the be-all and end-all for the rule of law. All this pressure placed on a thousands of years-old book makes it very easy to forget how violent it is. For example, take David and Goliath. It’s probably one of, if not the most well known bible story pretty much ever, and for good reason. It’s a story about a little kid, David, taking down a massive rampaging juggernaut who had been holding the Israelites into slavery, Goliath, with nothing more than a rock and a sling of cloth. The message being that anybody, no matter how small or downtrodden, can bring about massive change. It’s a damn good story. Which makes it all the more surprising when you read it in the actual Bible.
Of course, there are about as many versions of the Bible out there as there are different branches of Christianity, but generally the story of David and Goliath is Chapter 17 of the first book of Samuel in the Old Testament. The book I’m referring to is the Common English Version, or the CEV as it’s more commonly initialized. Overall, the Bible’s version of the story is no different from the version of the story you’d see on an episode of Hanna-Barbera’s Stories from the Bible video series, with one major exception: Verses 50-53. Those verses are where the story reaches it’s climax:
“David defeated Goliath with a sling and a rock. He killed him without even using a sword. David ran over and pulled out Goliath’s sword. Then he used it to cut off Goliath’s head. When the Philistines saw what had happened to their hero, they started running away. But the soldiers of Israel and Judah let out a battle cry and went after them as far as Gath and Ekron. The bodies of the Philistines were scattered all along the road from Shaaraim to Gath and Ekron. When the Israelite army returned from chasing the Philistines, they took what they wanted from the enemy camp.”
So, basically in the actual Biblical version of the story, David doesn’t just kill the rampaging Goliath, he uses the dead tyrant’s sword to cut off his own head, just to make sure he was good and dead, and then the Israelites take this as an opportunity to basically kick Philistinian ass. Honestly, it did take me aback the first time I read it. It’s like reading the unabridged and unbowdlerized Grimm’s Fairy Tales. It’s dark and bloody and honestly, kind of cool if you’re into that stuff, which I am, admittedly. While I’m not solid on it, I’m pretty sure it’s the same in most Bibles. I say most, the jury’s still out on whether or not the Bird or Myowling Bibles featured on Saturday Night Live have the gruesome version of Goliath’s demise.
Of course, I was reminded of this story when I re-watched an episode of Pretty Good by SB Nation’s Jon Bois. Pretty Good is a web show usually, but not exclusively, about bizarre happenings in sports like Georgia Tech scoring 222 unanswered points against a law school in 1916, the 1904 St. Louis Olympic Marathon where the winner of the race was given Rat Poison, Strictnyne, and Brandy instead of Water, and the career of baseball left fielder Lonnie Smith. However, it also covers topics in pop culture as well, like the flight of Larry Walters who flew almost 5,000 meters (about 16,000 ft) with nothing but a lawn chair, a bunch of weather balloons, and a bottle of coke, and the episode in question: “I wish everybody else was dead.”. It is a video essay about the show 24, a network TV show about a man named Jack Bauer, who spends every day with the knowledge that fate does not want him to die, despite him wanting that so badly. It’s also a show that managed to get away with showing a man ripping another man’s throat out with his teeth at 8:30 on a weeknight; as if the watershed was only a suggestion. (No prizes for guessing which network it aired on.) Despite it being liked by the United States Government of the time, including the then-President of the United States himself, George W. Bush, as well as many conservative media pundits, the show is set in, what TVTropes would describe as, “A Crapsack World”. Order has fallen, there’s threats of terrorists everyday who are only terrorists because they’re terrorists, the President ends up getting killed a lot, and then coming back from the dead because the White House figured out necromancy and refuses to tell anybody, and pretty much any normal and sane individual will either be traumatized, incapacitated, or, if they’re lucky, killed. It was a show that felt tailor made for the Post-9/11 era, despite it going into production in July of 2001. It’s a maddening look into the collective American psyche in the 2000s, and it couldn’t’ve been made in any other decade. If you want to watch the video, I’ll link it here, but I warn you, there is some intense violence and strong language.
The part of the video that reminded me of the David and Goliath story was this part of the video, where Jon goes over how Season 2 of 24, where Jack Bauer stops a 9/11-scale terrorist attack from happening and then prevents a needless war in the Middle East, aired right as the United States launched its Invasion of Iraq, a country that had no link to 9/11 at all, looking for weapons of mass destruction that it didn’t have, killing hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians and alienating the American people from the American military. In essence, the United States was Goliath. 24 let the United States re-imagine itself filling the shoes of David. Jon lists other examples of this happening, including Conservative pundits, often white guys, complaining about “reverse racism” and “men’s rights” (ironically taking away credibility from actual organizations focusing on Men’s physical and mental health.), Christians complaining about being silenced (especially in the middle of the bible belt) when a local school board wants to lean secular, etc. Although the point is deflated a bit by mentioning Patriots fans, as it was released in 2016 before the Patriots would go on to humiliate an entire city for the first of two times, the point is unmistakable: Every Goliath wants to be David.
When you have that point in your head, it makes finding Goliaths very easy to spot. As we’ve seen the past few years, those running countries can be considered Goliaths, but they always pull the David card:
“Well, there are poor threatened Russians in areas of Ukraine, a state that’s obviously run by Nazis, despite their president being a Jewish leader who was democratically elected, we think.” said the Kremlin of Russia; “That’s why we invaded their sovereign territory and kidnapped Ukrainian kids to turn them into soldiers!”
“Well, Armenia has occupied some of our territory, they’re threatening our people despite not wanting to kill our people! Plus they’re friends with Russia!” said the Milli Mejlis of Azerbaijan; “That’s why we had to block Armenia’s only road to Artskath until the native Armenians living there had no choice but to either move to Armenia or die!”
“Well, Hamas bombed us, and used civilians as human shields! Plus, the people of Gaza elected Hamas despite a good chunk of the population being only infants at their oldest when the last election happened!” said the Knesset of Israel; “We have no choice but to bomb hospitals, homes and streets, cut off electricity and water and food and fuel to the Gazans, and basically tell them to get out of the strip because we’re invading in 24 hours and those left in the strip may very well die!”
The only things missing from those quotes are the professional bad actor keyboard warriors that appear everywhere, from Reddit to TikTok to YouTube to Twitter, and the inevitable slurs and name calling that come from those people. Speaking of Twitter, Elon Musk is another good example of a man who wants to be seen as a David when he is a massive Goliath. He and his fanbase are hypersensitive to any criticism of him, has constantly tried to buy Wikipedia for saying that he wasn’t the founder of the Tesla Car Company, bought Twitter because he thought that Twitter’s already lax content moderation wasn’t lax enough and is basically an edgy high school teenager who kept arguing with the teacher about historical conspiracy theories in history class and who has $240 Billion in assets and is one of the most powerful people on the planet. Honestly, the fact that that man has a United States government contract to help put people on Mars should deeply terrify you.
Not like the government is all fine and dandy, at least according to Donald Trump, and frankly, it isn’t but not for the reasons he thinks it isn’t. He and his staff have said multiple times that his charges and trials relating to fraud and the January 6th attacks on the capitol building are nothing more than a political kangaroo sham trial meant to stop him from achieving his political goals, and that the GOP is also intentionally trying to sabotage him, because…reasons. Now this is despite the fact that he is leading the polls in the GOP primaries, despite refusing to take part in the debates, and was already a major figure with his real estate deals, casinos, and network reality shows, and already had a failed run at the presidency back in 2000. Now, Trump is an interesting case, because he’s an example of a Goliath that had already been slain, yet still thinks he’s David. Trump only won the presidency in 2016 because of the electoral college, which is stupid and bad, but also hard to get rid of without major structural overhauls, but that’s another story, and he was thoroughly defeated in 2020 because everybody was sick and tired of him. He’s been defeated and humiliated mostly by his own hubris, yet he still thinks that those in power, those who voted against him, and those who are prosecuting against him for things that you should probably be tried for like fraud and insurrection, are the biggest enemies to him and his base. In his mind, he is David, wanting to use his sling against anybody who dares come between him and his goals of becoming a dictator and shaping the country into his horrible image. In reality, however, he is Goliath, having just been delt a knockout blow, and is seeing the light flash before his eyes before David takes his sword and slices his head off (metaphorically). Of course, his base is frantically trying their best to come to his aid, with organizations like the Heritage Foundation drafting up Project 2025, which is basically a plan to make the executive branch of government the only branch that actually does things, replace the entire government with a Trumpist version of Pyongyang, dismantle any and all social services, dismantle the freedom to protest, jail anybody who goes against him, and call people or characters like Bugs Bunny, Jamie Farr, and anyone else who likes M*A*S*H pedophiles because they feature men wearing dresses, and will advocate to have them hanged. It’s pretty scary to think about, but considering Trump is too busy yelling at federal judges to even mention it, and he’s more than likely to go to jail then be back at the White House, it’s probably safe to say that it’s not something to worry about…yet.
The story of David and Goliath remains as one of the most well known and well quoted things to come out of the Bible. Of course, as religion in general has been declining in importance with each passing generation, the story is now often quoted in a secular context. The underdog story. The common man doing uncommon things. The small team that manages to beat the Kansas City Chiefs or the Houston Astros. The underdogs are celebrated in American culture, they are seen as an encapsulation of the American Dream, where anybody can be successful if they pour their blood, sweat, and tears into what they’re doing. However, this can be a two faced sword, as Jay Gatsby learned, the American Dream may as well be exactly what it is: a dream, a facade, a scam, ultimately a waste of time. After all, how can anybody be successful if you’re running into Goliaths born into wealth and power? Like Jim Irsay, the son of Robert Irsay and inheritant of his most famous asset: The Indianapolis, formally Baltimore, Colts, who says that his 2014 arrest for Drunk Driving was because of police being prejudiced against “rich, white billionaires”. Or leaders of major christian institutions and right-wing think tanks who villianize gynecologists and obstetricians, doctors who specialize in childbirth, simply because childbirth deals in topics like abortion and birth control, both absolutely hated by religious leaders because it’s against their flavor of Christianity, calling them akin to Satan and murder and whatever bad things they can throw at it, causing OB/GYN specialists and doctors to leave certain states in droves, ironically causing birth rates in those states to drop. While everybody sees themselves as a David at least once in their lives, there are no other people who sees themselves as David more than the Goliaths. They want themselves and others to view them as but a humble person trying to slain their perceived enemies, throwing everything in the book to try and make you hate their enemy as much as they do. Maybe the Goliaths think that this humanizes them, maybe they want to be seen as “the good guy”, or maybe they’re mentally “not all there”. What I can say is that while Goliaths will always try to fill the shoes Davids, the simple truth is that almost everybody can see David’s shoes being ripped apart by the feet of the Goliath.
[UPDATE 2024 MAY 2]: Altered some potentially misleading language, along with fixing some grammar and spelling errors.
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